Am I in serious trouble?

Bismillahirrohmanirrohim.

Assalamualaikum.

So yes my practicum ended weeks ago. And yes I have activated my Facebook account because my students had been pleading. So I guess whom am I running away from actually? Why can’t I have Facebook account to connect with my students? So rather than being a runaway kind of person, I decided to activate my account. Considering he won’t be bother looking for me after all.

So these past few days I have been stalking my friends’ Facebooks to get updates from them. Some of them are in a relationship, some have been engaged, and some even got married and expecting babies! I know, I know, I missed a lot. In order to strengthen myself, I lost something. I even forgot two of my best friends’ birthdays! Lucky they understand me.

So I’ve decided no more hiding in my own country.

And as I stalked, I come to realize that my all my friends uploaded their photos with their students. They even mention them taught at that school and missing their students a lot and yada yada yada. So I was like ‘am I cruel for not uploading photos and updating statuses about how I miss my students?’

Am I a jerk?

Have I become a jerk?

Even during our last day I hardly shed any tears. As they kept saying they won’t forget me and they want me to always remember them, I constantly reminded myself that all of these are just temporary feelings. They’ll soon forget me and I would be just another sweet memories they have without even bother asking how am I doing and do I miss teaching them. People come and go. That’s what I have set in mind. And one student asked about my flight and I told him that I almost cry because I almost miss the flight because my luggage was overweight! And he said “you cry because of that yet you never cry for your students?”

That was the understatement of the universe. I actually cried a bit. But I think all of you didn’t hear it when I say, thank you for curing my broken heart because all of you were busy eating at the farewell party. I cried a bit and went out from the class. And that’s it. I’m afraid that my tears have dried during my grieving over something stupid I have done. But never mind about that.

Remember Flounder? Well, he signed up on tumblr for me. But now he doesn’t even bother updating anything like he used to. He was so passionate at first that he wanted to write his journal entries there for me to read. I’ve expected everything. I knew the day that all-of-them-will-forget me will come so I wanted to be prepared from the very beginning. I don’t want to take anything so personal so that I would feel less hurt when they do forget me, one day.

There are few students who like to send me text messages. I have been waiting for the day that they will finally stop SMS-ing and some of them finally did! But still, I’m so touched with students whom even buy new number so that it’ll be lot cheaper SMS-ing with me. But note that I don’t like receiving text messages from boy students whom I found out have feeling for me! They are 14 and I’m 23! What were they thinking?

Students whom had always been so ‘oh I’ll sure miss you a lot teacher’, ‘I’ll call you whenever I’m free’, ‘I miss you already’ are all now gone. Nothing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Whenever I feel like texting them, I kept reminding myself that don’t bother looking for persons who have forgotten you.

I don’t post pictures with them because I’m afraid that people might think I’m already a teacher and then people would be asking my mom whether or not I have become  a teacher. So to avoid such question, I avoid raising such idea. And why wouldn’t I upload presents from my students is because I don’t want to boast. I think it is enough for me to keep their presents safe and use them properly that even if they see me 10 years from now I can still show them the presents they gave me. That’s how I’ve planned on how to appreciate their presents.

About me not posting about me missing them so much is because I’m not yet a teacher, and missing my students would be raising such idea which will definitely leads to question ‘is she already really a teacher?’. You know kampung-folks. But yes, I do miss them! I do recall back all the memories before going to bed. But do I have to announce that on Facebook? I think that is so unnecessary. Not that I’m condemning my friends who posted that, it’s just for me I feel that it is too cheesy and I wouldn’t do that. If you consider me a cruel heartless teacher just for that, then go ahead judge me. We all have our own opinions.

Does missing require announcement? I think it would be enough if I place them in my prayer every day. I'm also actually quite afraid of saying I miss you or I miss you too.

I don’t know why I am not showing any of my affection anymore. Am I afraid of getting extremely attach to anybody regardless of whom they are?

If that so, I think I’m in serious trouble.

HELP?